Scar 3D

All my reviews will contain spoilers. Just so you know.

I borrowed this on DVD from a friend – a friend aware of my new found interest in 3D films, curiosity as to what Angela Betiss does next and passion for all kinds of slasher flicks (crappy or smart). This one looked a safe bet.

Initial Thoughts:

• Betiss looks embarrassed rather than scared. Not a good sign.
• I wonder if anything will happen to that piercing?
• I wonder if anything will happen to that new piercing?
• Nothing says party like a bimbo bleeding from her belly.
• What a, like, totally rocking party of people standing in lines in the cold.
• Creepy guy – early red herring or obvious killer?
• Feel free to ask before you take. Rude girl, limited dialogue - dead yet?
• “The ethnic minorities – thick and vapid or thick and bitchy? Let’s use both!”
• Unless someone covers for creepy guy, the red herrings have yet to show up.

Moving On:

• Feel free to hold the chloroform over your face for him.
• The body popped up at that point in time - because…?
• If the lake is full of rusty metal, why did they encourage all their kids to dive in?
• We all enjoy wearing medals around the home of an evening at my family home too.
• “I couldn’t think of anyone else, so I called my creepy not-boyfriend in for a hug.”
• That beret just keeps making me chuckle. Funny torture-porn? God, but this movie isn’t getting any better yet.
• Worst. Vomit. Ever. Half a mouth full of mint sauce?
• Flat-Top looks hot, so why are we not getting more of his red-herring character? I flick back thirty seconds to watch those eyes again. More please.
• Or you could have called for help when you found the corpse.
• Nobody saw him run in front of their cars. Really?
• Interviewing the suspect on your own? I have gone off you and your landing pad hairdo now.
• Oh Betis – why did you agree to be in this?
• So it is going to be the most obvious suspect killing them then. Thought there could be a surprise. Wait up. Reverse. He basically just admitted he was the killer – how can she not know?
• Bald spot cam – now in 3D.
• Did she threaten them with the gun before she ran off or did no-one notice her go?
• I have had enough of the old fashioned green / red 3D, and go back to the main menu to watch the rest in 2D. Perhaps, without the eyestrain, this will all be a lot less painful? Nope.
• No one else thought to look there. Really?
• OK – that was a great flashback scene. Movie nearly back on track.

Final Moments:

• Now call for help.
• Don’t go for a run – call for help.
• You know where she is likely to be now – call for help.
• Call for help, dimwit.
• Not too late – call for help before I start routing for him to kill you.
• OK – just watch your back for any geeky teens then.
• Most obvious suspect, etc. It’s usually the slow kid. No mystery here.
• This film is rubbish again. Did not take long.
• So the motive was that he wanted to reel off a crap speech?
• Blaming Iraq and his dad seem a little ill conceived. Torture the writers. This is mildly offensive stuff, but I think they expected the gore to be what got the viewer going, not his motivations.
• Oh Betiss – you had a career going for a while.
• The piercing hurt her more going in.
• Ha ha – a supermarket aisle gag. It’s funny because…well…lord…
• He is not dead, so just watch your back for any geeky teens.
• Uh, yeah that did the job on him. Good. Roll credits now please?
• All really well lit and cheery – got to be a dream sequence. Just roll credits.
• I knew it. And “It never stops”…sadly. Please roll credits.
• Credits. Eventually.
• Hideous song over end credits.

Aftermath:

This was drab, artless, poorly made and uninspiring stuff. I got angry with some of the shortcomings, particularly the empty shots that might have been of interest in big screen 3D yet look thoughtless on the small screen. Mostly, I just sat and waited for The End.

Dull and dumb characters mean there is less reason to care than a general outline of the film would suggest. There were depths to the two lead female characters but they never come out properly in the finished film. The roles are played by bored actors – some of those I have not seen before might be quite good in another film, since Betis has been magnificent in the likes of May. But who can tell? They all sleepwalk through an almost entirely generic slasher script - with added, of the moment (and soon to be amusingly dated), torture-porn nonsense in a few brief flashbacks and final few minutes. I have no admiration for the likes of the tiresome and stroppy Hostel and the Saw films but, as much as it pains me to admit this, such content should have featured more heavily here. It feels as if everyone involved bottled out of wanting to make an impact beyond using their central gimmick. My Bloody Valentine 3D may have been daft and sloppy, but at least there was a genuine effort to keep the audience engaged with that and a lot of action to keep things going. Not so here.

Not gory enough for it’s (severely limited) ambitions and never scary, there were passable enough scenes of violence – just like 99% of slashers – but these were brief. Less than a minute - for two murder scenes – just for a bit of “creative death” fun? This was never going to be enough of a reason to watch the movie. Without the 3D, there was no reason for this to get a theatrical release. At home, with the 3D reduced to crappy old school, Quality Street specs 3D, there was no reason for a DVD release.

Grade D- (Burn Baby Burn!)